Pie Day
by wickedalchemist
Summary: CJ is bored, Josh and Sam are attempting to repaint the White House, Toby is pretending to work and the President is inviting everyone to join him in eating pie in the Oval Office. It's an ordinary day in the West Wing.


Authors note: this is supposed to be a West Wing parody – but it really sucks … so umm … yeah … I should probably just have myself shot and be done with it, shouldn't I? But … that's … so much trouble … argh! I also have to thank Seek for helping me out with this! :D So please R&R!-~Mist~

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, of course. As if anyone else would be that ingenious.

(Scene: the senior staff are in the Oval Office, just finishing a meeting with the President)

**Bartlet:** Thank you.

**All:** Thank you, Mr President.

("All" exit. We follow them out into the hall. As they part, Josh and Sam walk together down a hallway)

**Josh:** Was there any point to that meeting, Sam?****

**Sam:** No … I think it was just a way to start off this story.

**Josh:** Oh … is there any point to this conversation either?

**Sam:** I doubt it.

(The two continue walking in silence for a minute or two)

**Josh:** Sam?

**Sam:** Mmm?

**Josh:** Where are we?

(Sam stops and Josh stares at him)

**Sam:** I … don't know …

**Josh:** Donna!

(Donna suddenly appears behind him)

**Donna:** Yes?

**Josh:** Where are we?

**Donna:** I … really am not sure.

**Josh:** Then how did you get here?

**Donna:** I materialised out of thin air.

**Josh:** There's no need to be sarcastic, Donna …

**Donna:** I wasn't. I'm serious. I did actually just materialise out of thin air and appear behind you when you called me.

**Josh _(pleased)_:** Is that the power my calling you has?

**Donna:** Well … every time you call me when we're actually on TV, I just appear, don't I? So it just wouldn't work if you called me and I didn't appear, would it?

**Josh_ (thinking)_:** Hmm … I suppose so.

**Sam_ (looking utterly bewildered)_: **Did you say we're on TV?

**Donna:** Yes.

**Sam:** We're on TV?

**Josh:** Sam, we have a TV show that airs every … Tuesday night.

**Sam:** We have a TV show?

**Donna:** Yes, Sam. We do. Now … let's just let them cut to the next scene so that we can suddenly be in another place when it comes back to us.

(Slowly fades out while the three of them look around wondrously. Scene: CJ and Toby are in Toby's office.)

**Toby:** Is there something you wanted CJ?

**CJ:** Umm … no, I'm good.

(She stands there and looks around. Toby stares at her)

**Toby:** CJ?

**CJ:** Yes?

**Toby:** Why are you in here?

**CJ:** So we can have a scene in between the time we see Josh, Donna and Sam again so they can get back to where they need to be.

**Toby:** I see …

(Sam suddenly appears behind them)

**Sam:** CJ?

**CJ:** Yes?

**Sam:** Do we have a TV show?

**CJ:** Yes, yes we do.

**Sam:** Why?

**CJ:** For people's entertainment, Sam. Why else? Oh … yeah, and to laugh at your stupidity.

(Donna and Josh suddenly appear)

**Josh:** Hey! It worked!

**Donna:** Yes … it did indeed.

(Toby just stares at them all)

**Toby (yelling)****:** WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE IN MY OFFICE??

**CJ:** Cause you don't have anything better to do.

**Toby (ruffles through notes)****:** Yes I do! I have … oh … wait … no, no I don't.

(Everyone just stands there awkwardly)

**Sam:** So … more about this TV show?

(Scene fades out. Scene: Abbey and Zoey are standing in the Oval Office)

**Zoey:** Hi mom.

**Abbey:** Hi Zoey.

**Zoey:** Nice office.

**Abbey:** Yeah … it's your father's.

**Zoey:** Yeah … so …

**Abbey:** Nice curtains.

**Zoey:** Just like the ones they have in the real Oval Office.

(Abbey stares at her)

**Zoey:** I'm just saying …

**Abbey: **Why are we in here?

**Zoey:** I think Sam was talking about the TV series again …

(The door suddenly opens and Sam rushes in, huffing for breath)

**Sam:** Can someone please tell me a little more about the TV show? Please?

(Scene fades out)

**Sam:** Hey!!

(Scene: Communications bullpen, Ginger and Bonnie are huddled together behind Ginger's desk as Toby walks out)

**Toby:** Hey.

**Ginger:** Hey.

**Bonnie: **Hi.

**Toby:** So … you doing anything interesting?

**Bonnie:** What's wrong?

**Toby:** Oh, you know, I'm kind of bored since everyone left my office a little while ago. I don't know where they went.

**Ginger:** Ah …****

**Toby:** So, what are you two doing, huddled up behind Ginger's desk?

**Ginger:** Oh, you know … we're just devising a secret plan to kill Zoey.

**Toby:** Why?

**Bonnie:** Because this author doesn't seem to like her.

**Toby:** Then why is she in this story in the first place?

**Bonnie:** Because Sam asked another question about the TV series.

**Toby:** Okay then. Have fun.

**Bonnie & Ginger:** We will!

(Toby walks out of the Communications bullpen, and starts wandering the hallways. Suddenly Sam appears)

**Sam:** Toby! Toby! Can you tell me anything about the TV series?

(Scene fades out)

**Sam:** Why the hell does it keep doing that?

(Scene: Bartlet and Abbey in the residence)

**Abbey:** You know, I was having a conversation with Zoey before. Do you know what I found out?

**Bartlet (dryly)****:** No. What?

**Abbey:** I have absolutely nothing in common with my daughter and nothing to talk about with her.

**Bartlet:** Maybe that's why in the series there aren't any scenes with you and her that last more than five seconds.

**Abbey:** Ah …****

**Bartlet:** Anyway, where is she now?

**Abbey:** Oh … I think she's being killed by Ginger and Bonnie.

**Bartlet:** Oh. That's nice.

(Sam suddenly bursts in)

**Sam:** Did you mention "the series"?

(Fades out)****

**Sam:** God damn it!

(Scene Josh, Donna and Charlie are sitting at Mrs Landingham's desk)

**Donna:** So … what are we doing here?

**Josh:** Searching for her cookies.

**Donna:** Why?

**Charlie:** Because Mrs Landingham always has cookies somewhere.

**Donna:** Then why am I here?

**Josh (absently as he searches through the desk)****: **Why not?

**Donna:** Well … searching for cookies is more of a thing you'd do. Not me.

**Charlie:** Maybe the author just needed a Josh and Donna scene.

**Donna:** Then why are you here? And why are we at Mrs Landingham's desk?

**Charlie:** I found them! I found them!

**Donna (yelling)****: **Mrs Landingham!!

(Mrs Landingham suddenly appears and grabs the cookie jar from Charlie's hand)

**Mrs Landingham:** No cookies for either of you! (reaches into the jar, pulls one out and hands it to Donna) There you go, dear.

**Donna:** Thank you.

**Josh:** Why does she get one?

**Mrs Landingham:** Because she wasn't searching for cookies. And I like her.

**Donna (eating the cookie)****: **Thank you!

**Charlie:** How is that fair?

**Josh:** It isn't. There are a lot of people around who like Donna more than me, and therefore notice her and give her the benefit of the doubt and yell at me.

(The door opens and CJ walks in)

**CJ:** Hi Donna. There's a report here stating that you and Josh are in love and should get together. If you do, I'll tear Josh limb from limb.

(CJ exits)

**Charlie:** That was pointless.

**Josh:** No it wasn't. That just proved my point.

**Charlie:** Oh … but that's just one person, Josh. And besides, she's a woman.

(Toby suddenly enters)

**Toby:** Josh! This is all your fault!

**Josh:** What is?

**Toby:** That Donna's car smashed into mine!

(Toby punches Josh in the face and exits. Josh recovers and stares at Charlie meaningfully)****

**Charlie:** Okay. Point taken.

**Donna (grinning widely)****: **Oh! No, please! I want to see someone else come in and hurt Josh!

**Mrs Landingham:** No! That's it! Everyone leave! Now!

**Josh:** But Sam hasn't come in yet to ask about the series.

(Sam suddenly runs in. The screen fades out.)

**Sam: **Hey! I didn't even –

(Scene: Toby's office. Sam and Josh are standing in front of an open window with a bucket full of water balloons and hurling them at innocent passers by as Toby enters)

**Toby:** What the hell are you in here for?

**Sam:** We're hurling water balloons at innocent passers by.

**Toby:** What? Why?

**Sam:** Cause we're bored. And this is fun.

**Josh:** How come you're not asking about the series any more?

**Sam:** Because every time I do, the scene fades out, and I figure that if I keep doing it then the scene will just fade out whenever I enter, and I want a bigger part than that.

**Toby:** And this is how you're going to do that? By throwing water balloons at people on the street? Do you even realise how people are going to react when it gets out that the Deputy Chief of Staff and the Deputy Communications Director were hurling water balloons out of the office window of the Communications Director?

**Sam (shrugs)****:** I wasn't thinking about it that much.

**Toby (quietly)****:** That wouldn't surprise me.

(Margaret suddenly enters, dragging a sack behind her. When she sees the three men, she backs out)

**Margaret:** Oops …

**Josh:** Hey! What's in the sack?

**Margaret:** Nothing, nothing …

**Toby:** Can we have a look?

**Margaret:** No!

**Sam:** Why not?

**Margaret:** Because that was the whole point of getting it out of Leo's office in the first place! No one wants to look at a dead body!!

(They all stare at her in shock)

**Toby:** A dead body?

**Margaret (sighs)****:** Yes … it's Zoey. Bonnie and Ginger didn't clean up after themselves, so Leo asked me to get it out of his office.

**Josh:** You know what would have been better than killing Zoey?

**Margaret:** What?

**Josh:** Killing Amy or Mandy.

(Everyone gasps and stares at him in bewilderment)

**Sam (hissing)****:** Josh! You can't mention those names in this story!

**Josh:** Wh … why not?

(Everyone looks around with frightened expressions on their faces. Suddenly two figures leap into the Communications bullpen. All the staffers begin running and screaming as Amy and Mandy approach Toby's office. Margaret jumps up, screaming and runs away)

**Mandy:** Wow! It's so good to be back here. Do you know how long it's been since I've been in this place?

(Toby and Sam are backing away very slowly, looking petrified)

**Amy:** Josh! Hi, Josh! How are things?

(Sam notices the bucket of water balloons next to him, and starts pounding them at Amy and Mandy)

**Mandy:** Sam, what the hell are you doing?

(Mandy approaches him)

**Sam: **AHH!! AHH!! NO!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Mandy reaches out and just before her hand touches his shoulder, she suddenly falls to the ground. Amy stares at her, and suddenly falls to the ground too. The three men look up and see Donna with a quiver and arrows standing there with a look of satisfaction on her face)

**Donna:** You don't know how long I've been wishing I could do something like that.

**Sam** **(suddenly bursts into tears and runs up to her)****:** It was horrible! It was so scary! They just came right up to us! And … and she almost … she was about to …

**Donna (hugging him)****:** It's okay, Sam. It's all over now. It's all over.

(Ginger, Bonnie and Margaret suddenly reappear. Margaret grabs the sack with Zoey's body and heaves it away. Ginger and Bonnie pull sacks over Amy and Mandy's bodies, trying their best not to touch the actual bodies and then drag the sacks away)

**Toby (hyperventilating)****:** That … was … oh … it … my … Jesus … I … can't … believe … holy … oh … lord …

(CJ, Leo, Carol, Abbey and President Bartlet suddenly race in with looks of concern on their faces)

**Bartlet:** I just heard! Is everybody okay?

**Toby:** We … are … going to … oh … god …

**Abbey:** It's okay, Toby. Just breathe, okay? Look … (goes on)

**Sam:** We're okay. Thanks to Donna. She came in with her bow and arrow and shot them both down just before … Mandy could …

**CJ:** It's okay, Sam. It's all over now.

**Leo:** Attack of Josh's girlfriends. Well, it was inevitable. Thank god you were here, though Donna.

**Josh:** HANG ON A MINUTE!!

(Everyone stops and stares at him)

**Josh:** What is going on? Why was everyone suddenly afraid of my ex-girlfriends? I don't understand this!

**Leo:** Josh, listen – Mandy! Amy!

(Everyone winces)

**Leo:** Josh, there was never going to be anything more between you and Amy (winces) … or … Mandy … (winces). They weren't here for an actual purpose.

**Josh:** They're just my ex-girlfriends! Why are you treating them as though they were the devil incarnate or something?

**Donna:** Josh, they were. Trust me.

**Toby:** You see, Josh, the viewers who watch our TV series – shut up, Sam – saw that you and Donna should be together. They couldn't stand seeing you with anyone else. So the writers – shut up, Sam – had to make any one either of you ever dated look like a complete idiot or ass-hole.

**Josh:** Like Dr Freeride.

(Everyone winces. Donna suddenly drops her arrows and quiver)

**Josh:** Donna?

**Donna:** I just … (suddenly runs off)

(Josh runs after her)

**CJ:** So …

(Everyone stares around at each other)

**Toby:** Why is it that my office is the place where everybody congregates?

**Carol:** Who wants to play a game?

(Everyone stares at her. Suddenly, Margaret, Bonnie and Ginger appear)

**Margaret:** How about blind mans bluff?

(The senior staff and Bartlet stares at her)

**Ginger:** Okay! Who wants to be the blind man first?

(The senior staff and Bartlet look around at each other)

**Bonnie:** I nominate Sam!

**Sam:** Why?

**Margaret:** I second that!

**Carol:** Yes! Sam!

(The assistants suddenly grab hold of Sam and twirl him around, and manage to get a blindfold on him, and he continues twirling while everyone runs away)****

**Sam:** Help! Help! Somebody please help me!!

(Ainsley enters the bullpen)

**Ainsley:** Sam?

**Sam:** Ainsley?

**Ainsley:** What are you doing?

**Sam: **I don't know … please help me.

(Ainsley rushes up to him, stops him twirling, sits him down and takes off his blindfold)

**Ainsley:** Do you want a drink or something?

**Sam (tries to stand and promptly falls over)****: **No, I'm good.

(They two stare at each other strangely. Scene: the Oval Office. President Bartlet, Leo, CJ, Toby, Carol, Ginger, Margaret and Bonnie suddenly burst in, gasping for breath)

**CJ (gasping for breath)****:** Do you … think it … worked?

**Bartlet (also gasping for breath)****:** I hope … so. Because … if I … ran … all that … way … for … nothing, then … somebody … is going to … die today …

(There's a silence while they all catch their breath. Then they look around expectantly)

**Toby:** I really think it's time to change scenes now.

(There's another silence while they all stare at each other)

**Toby: **Where's Sam when you need him?

(Scene fades out. Scene: Josh and Donna in Josh's office. Donna is crying)

**Josh:** Donna, why are you crying?

**Donna:** Because the author wanted a Josh and Donna scene. What more do you want from me?

**Josh:** Okay. That's sufficient …

**Donna:** Yeah. I guess so.

(There's a knock on the door and CJ's standing there)

**CJ:** You guys doing anything? Cause I'm kind of bored now.

_(Long uncomfortable silence)_

**Donna:** So … I'm gonna go back to my desk now and pretend to be doing some form of work.

**Josh:** Okay. Fine.

(Donna leaves Josh and CJ to stare around in silence until Sam enters)

**CJ:** Hi Sam. What are you doing here?

**Sam: **I don't know … the author seems to have run out of ideas after killing Zoey, Mandy and Amy at the same time.

**Josh:** Well, I'm just gonna go to sleep here. You guys can have a nice little chat.

(CJ and Sam watch Josh make his chair more comfortable and eventually fall asleep)

**CJ:** Okay … so … Sam, why don't you ask about the series anymore?

**_Sam:_** I thought I cleared that up?

**CJ:** Really? When?

**Sam:** When Josh and I were hurling water balloons out Toby's window.

**CJ:** Yes, and while you were doing that I'm sure people took you seriously. Who did you tell, anyway? And why don't I know?

**Sam:** I told Toby.

**CJ:** Okay. Fine. I don't really care anymore.

**Sam:** But you were the one who –

**CJ:** Sam, I'm over it.

**Sam:** But you can't –

**CJ:** I'm over it. Move on.

**Sam:** CJ –

**CJ:** Sam shut up or I'll hurl you out Toby's window!

(Scene fades out. Scene: Mrs Landingham sitting at her desk, an unknown woman approaches)

**Unknown woman:** Excuse me?

**Mrs Landingham _(looking up)_:** Yes? How can I help you?

**Unknown woman:** I'm Liz.

**Mrs Landingham:** Okay. What was it you wanted?

**Unknown woman claiming to be "Liz":** I'm Elizabeth Bartlet … the President's eldest daughter.

**Mrs Landingham:** Really? Wow! So you _do_ exist!

**Unknown woman claiming to be Elizabeth Bartlet … the President's eldest daughter:** Yes. I do exist.

(Mrs Landingham continues with her work. Liz stares at her expectantly)

**Unknown woman claiming to be Elizabeth Bartlet … the President's eldest daughter:** So? Can I please see my father?

**Mrs Landingham:** Sorry dear? Your father?

**Unknown woman claiming to be Elizabeth Bartlet … the President's eldest daughter:** My father! PRESIDENT BARTLET!!!!

**Mrs Landingham:** Please calm down, dear. We don't want you to be going crazy now, do we?

**Crazy woman screaming at Mrs Landingham:** THEN WHY WON'T YOU LET ME SEE MY FATHER??? THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!

**Mrs Landingham:** Yes, yes, dear. Just take a big long breath and have a cookie.

(Mrs Landingham holds out the jar. Crazy woman screaming at Mrs Landingham looses it and throws the jar out the window. There are sudden cries from below. The two look out the window and see Charlie jumping around outside with the cookie jar in his hand)

**Charlie:** I've got them! I've got them!

**Crazy woman:** That man is dating my sister?

**Mrs Landingham:** Who's your sister?

**Crazy woman:** ZOEY BARTLET!!

**Mrs Landingham:** Isn't she dead or something?

**Crazy woman:** My sister isn't –

(She's interrupted by the entrance of President Bartlet)

**Crazy woman:** Dad! Finally you're here!

**Bartlet:** Who are you?

**Crazy woman:** I'm Liz!

**Bartlet:** Nice to meet you Liz. Mrs Landingham, do I have an appointment with a "Liz"?

**Crazy woman:** DAD!!

(Bartlet and Mrs Landingham look at each other and shrug. Bartlet makes his way into the Oval Office. "Crazy woman" runs after him)

**Crazy woman:** Dad! It's me! Liz! You're eldest daughter! Where's mom! She'll know who I am!

(Abbey promptly enters)

**Crazy woman:** Mom!

**Abbey:** "Mom"? Who's "mom"?

**Crazy woman:** You are! You're my mom!

**Abbey:** Right …

(Ellie comes in)

**Ellie:** Hi mom. Hi dad.

**Abbey and Bartlet:** Hi Ellie.

**Crazy woman:** Ellie! Ellie! Look! It's me! Liz!

**Ellie _(giving a perplexed look)_:** Okay then … "Liz". Hey mom, don't I have a sister called Liz?

**Abbey:** Umm … yes, I think you do.

**Crazy woman:** YES! AND IT'S ME!! I'M LIZ DAMN IT!!! ME!! LOOK AT ME!

(Mrs Landingham, Abbey, Bartlet and Ellie stare at each other and shrug. They walk off, leaving "Crazy woman" standing there in disbelief. Scene: Toby is sitting in his office as Mrs Landingham walks in)

**Toby:** Yes?

**Mrs Landingham:** Oh, sorry. I just thought that everyone would be in here … they usually are.

**Toby:** Well they're not! What do you want?

**Mrs Landingham:** To find everyone.

(Sam and Josh enter)

**Josh:** Hi.

**Sam:** Hi.

**Mrs Landingham:** The President's inviting everyone to eat pie.

(They all stare at her)

**Toby:** The president is inviting everyone to eat pie?

**Mrs Landingham:** Yes.

**Toby:** Why?

**Mrs Landingham:** Oh, you know … I think it's just one of those random things that happens for no particular reason.

**Sam:** Does that ever happen?

**Mrs Landingham:** No.

(Everyone looks at each other in confusion as scene blanks out. Scene: President Bartlet, Abbey, Leo, CJ, Toby, Josh, Sam, Charlie, Donna, Ainsley, Mrs Landingham, Margaret, Carol, Ginger and Bonnie are sitting in a circle in the Oval Office eating pie)

**Sam:** Will we get in trouble if we get crumbs on the floor?

**CJ:** Do you want a bib, Sam?

**Sam:** No I don't want a bib!

**Bartlet:** Are you sure? I've got an old one of Zoey's you can use.

**Donna:** Is that the pink one with all the little kittens on it?

**Bartlet:** Yes.

**Sam:** I don't want a bib!

**Josh:** Hang on a minute … you kept one of Zoey's bibs?

**Bartlet:** I kept all of Zoey's bibs. For memories … you know.

**Donna:** Urgh! That's like Josh keeping a napkin Amy once used.

**Josh:** Err … yeah …

**Donna (eyeing him suspiciously)****:** But you wouldn't do that, would you?

**Josh: **No …****

**Sam:** Damn it!

**Abbey:** What is it?

**Margaret:** He spilt some apple on his shirt.

**Bartlet:** Sam …

**Sam:** I don't want a bib! Okay?

**Donna (pulling a napkin out of Josh's shirt)****:** Uh ha!

**Josh:** Donna …

**Donna:** You kept her napkin?

**Josh:** No! No! I would never do that!

**Carol:** More pie anyone?

**Sam:** Yes!

**Margaret (pulling him back)****:** Not without a bib!

**Sam:** No!

(Abbey shoves a bib around Sam's neck as Margaret and Carol restrain him)

**Sam:** No! No! I am not a baby!

**CJ:** Speaking of babies … Toby! How are Huck and Molly?

**Toby:** Huck and who? OHH!! Yes … umm … they're with Andy.

**Leo:** Where is Andy anyway? She hasn't been in this story at all.

**Toby:** Umm …

**Ginger:** Anyway … who wants to play hide and seek?

**Sam:** What is it with the assistants and playing ridiculous games?

**Bonnie:** I dunno. We're not much good for anything else.

**Margaret:** Except for killing hated characters and disposing of the body.

**Carol:** Speaking of which – does anyone need any killing or bodies removed? I didn't get to do any of that stuff before with … you know, those two, and Zoey.

**Bartlet:** No … no, I think all the annoying characters are dead now … umm … we could go find all the Republicans and kill them if you'd like?

(Ainsley looks around nervously)

**Josh:** YES!!!

(Ainsley moves to get up)

**Donna:** No! Not until you give me a good reason as to why you are carrying around a napkin that Amy used! Once!

(Relief on Ainsley's face)

**Josh:** Donna … I … err … look … there's a …

**Donna (throwing the napkin away carelessly)****:** Okay, I'm over it. What now?

**Josh:** Republican killing spree!!

(Ainsley suddenly jumps up and bolts out of the room. They all stare expectantly at President Bartlet)

**Bartlet:** Hey, I've done all I can.

**CJ:** Do you realise that if we kill all the Republicans there'll be no one left to make fun of?

**Josh:** CJ, I really don't think this is the time for you to be practical, and besides, there will be someone to make fun of – Sam.

**Sam:** Hey!

**CJ:** Yeah, and there's always you.

**Josh:** What?

**Sam:** Why am I always the one everyone's teasing?

**Carol:** Because it's fun … and easy.

**Toby:** You know what?

**Sam (hopefully)****:** We should light a bonfire?

(Everyone stares at him)

**Sam:** Well, it was just a thought.

**Charlie: **I know! (pulls out Mrs Landingham's jar of cookies) Let's all have cookies!

**Mrs Landingham:** No! (snatches them off him)

**Charlie:** Oh …

**Margaret:** Raisin Muffins!

(Everyone stares at her)

**Leo:** Was there a point to that outburst, Margaret?

**Margaret:** Not really, I just thought I'd save us from the awkward silence that always follows every ridiculous statement.

**Leo:** I see …

(The door suddenly bursts open and Fitz runs in)

**Fitz:** Mr President! Mr President! There's just been –

(Stops and stares at the circle of people on the floor eating pie)

**Fitz:** Err … Mr President … what is going on?

**Bartlet:** Oh, we're just sitting on the floor of the Oval Office eating pie. Would you like to join us?

**Fitz:** Well … I was just about to announce a national crisis … but okay.

(He sits down and Carol hands him some pie)

**Leo:** So, just out of curiosity, Fitz, what exactly was the national crisis?

**Fitz:** What? Oh, it was something about someone being shot in their house by some terrorists … it's all in this report.

(Takes a report from nowhere in particular and hands it to Leo who examines it closely)

**Leo:** Oh my god!

**Bartlet:** What is it?

**Leo:** This report has been stapled twice!!!

(Everyone jumps up in shock)

**Bartlet:** You can't be serious?

**Leo:** I'm afraid I am, sir.

**Bartlet:** Fitz! How could you let this happen?

**Fitz:** I don't know sir … I … I'll get to the bottom of this right away!

**Bartlet:** Fine. We've got to keep this from getting out! CJ, no press briefings!

**CJ (murmuring)****:** I don't think I've had any press briefings for this entire story.

**Bartlet:** What was that?

**CJ:** Nothing.

**Bartlet:** Right … so Leo … we've got to get this settled.

**Josh:** What are we going to do? How are we going to find out who did this?

**Sam:** How are we going to make sure this doesn't get out?

(The assistants sigh and stare at each other)

**Leo:** Okay … first we've got to figure out what we do next …

(He is interrupted by Margaret gently taking the report from his hands)

**Margaret: **Allow me.

(She slowly unhooks the staple and takes it out. Then she hands back the now one stapled report to Leo. Leo looks from the report to Margaret to the report to Margaret to the report to Margaret …)

**Leo:** Go bake some Raisin Muffins or something.

**Margaret:** I don't bake them. I make petitions about them.

**Leo:** Good. Go. Do whatever you must. Just never ever show me up in front of the Senior Staff!

(Margaret looks at Toby, CJ, Josh and Sam who are standing there all snickering at Leo)

**Margaret (grinning)****: **Okay.

(Margaret leaves. Scene: It's a few minutes later, Toby is sitting in his office as Sam enters and dumps a folder onto his desk)

**Toby:** What's this?

**Sam:** Just some stuff about the Secret Service and the CIA.

**Toby:** Oh. Hey, do you ever wonder what those guys do when they're not protecting the President?

**Sam (stares at him, then slowly)****:** When aren't they protecting the President?

**Toby:** Well … it was just a thought …

**Sam:** You know what? It's a hot room, Toby, and you're thinking …

(Toby eyes him dangerously)

**Sam:** What I mean is – you should open a window.

(Toby watches him closely as he walks over to the window and opens it)

**Voices below: **I like aeroplane jelly! Aeroplane jelly for me! I like it for dinner, I like it for tea! A little each day is a good recipe!

(Toby jumps up and stares out to see a group of people wearing black suits, holding hands and singing)

**Toby: **Is that the –?

**Sam:** Yep.

**Toby:** And the –?

**Sam:** Yep.

**Toby:** I really don't want you to answer that question anymore.

(Scene: Ainsley is crouching behind a table, as Josh rushes around the bullpen with a knife in his hand. Donna and CJ walk past.)

**CJ:** Josh, what are you doing?

**Josh:** Republican hunting!

**CJ:** I see … well, I'm just going to … err … get away from you.

(CJ backs away very, very slowly, followed closely by Donna.)

**CJ:** You know, you should really keep a closer eye on him.

**Donna:** There are so many reasons why I prefer to keep my distance.

(CJ nods. Scene: Margaret comes out of Leo's office, as she turns the corner she walks into Danny.)

**Danny:** Ouch!

**Margaret:** Sorry, I didn't see you … hey, Danny!

**Danny:** Yeah.

**Margaret:** Wow! I haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?

**Danny:** I just came back from Mandyville.

**Margaret:** You must like it there. You seem to go a lot.

**Danny:** Yeah, well the writers and I have this deal; I try not to be very annoying, and they only send me to Mandyville once a week.

**Margaret:** Okay … Danny, I have to warn you not to talk at all about … the … thing.

**Danny:** Okay … the thing?

**Margaret:** Yes.

(She walks off, leaving Danny staring after her in confusion, mouthing "the thing" continuously and trying to figure it out. Scene: In the Oval Office, Sam and Josh are playing around; Josh is sitting in the swivel chair behind the desk, swerving around in it while Sam is playing sword fights with the American flag.)

**Sam:** Take that! And that! And that! (Jabs the rod, in which the flag is usually on when it's not thrown on the floor, at absolutely nothing)

**Josh:** Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

(The door opens and Mrs Landingham, CJ, Toby and President Bartlet walk in and freeze at the sight.)

**Bartlet:** What in the name of everything holy are you two doing?

**Josh (without stopping)****:** Playing!

**Toby:** I didn't think either of you could stoop any lower, but here's the proof.

**Mrs Landingham:** Boys!

(Josh and Sam abruptly stop what they're doing and stare at her. She gives them a warning look and they slowly walk out of the Oval Office.)

**Bartlet:** You know what? I'm going to pretend that I'm on drugs and that I was just hallucinating.

**CJ:** Good plan, sir.

**Bartlet:** So … Toby? CJ? Was there anything you wanted?

**Toby:** No, I'm just following CJ's lead of walking into people's offices randomly because she's bored.

**Bartlet:** You're bored?

**CJ:** Yes sir.

**Bartlet:** You work in the White House and you're bored?

**CJ:** Yes sir.

**Bartlet:** You're the President of the United States of America's Press Secretary and you're bored?

**CJ:** I'd like to take this opportunity to point out to you, sir, that being bored makes me happy.

**Bartlet (to Toby)****:** Do we want her happy?

**Toby:** Well … that was just an example of Josh and Sam being too happy.

**Bartlet:** Right! CJ! What I want you to do is find out all the names of the families of members of congress! Do it now! Find out all their names and find out all their pets names and all their families names!

**CJ (in shock)****:** Err … y – y – yes Mr President, sir …

**Bartlet:** Good! Go!

(CJ stares around the room in utter confusion for a few more minutes before exiting. Toby watches he go and grins.)

**Bartlet:** Toby?

**Toby:** Yes sir?

**Bartlet:** Are you bored?

**Toby:** Err … no! No! Definitely not! Plenty to do, sir! Plenty! Thank you! Bye!

(Toby runs out. President Bartlet watches him go and then looks at Mrs Landingham who quickly exits, shutting the door behind her. Bartlet smiles to himself, sits in his swivel chair, and starts spinning around in it, while holding the pole with the American Flag on it. Scene: Outside the White House, a man is having a lot of trouble trying to keep a large bundle in a hole. Every time he dumps it in and covers the hole, it suddenly breaks through the surface and comes out again.)

**Man:** What the hell?

**Deep voices from below the earth:** Please, we've already got Henry the eighth and his six wives down here; don't you think we have enough fights and fireballs already? Don't torture us with them!

(Man stares in confusion at the ground and then at the large bundle, shrugs and walks away. Scene: Toby's walking around the communications bullpen, and Sam walks up to him.)

**Sam:** Hi

**Toby:** Hi.

(Silence.)

**Sam:** You know, I was reading the thesaurus before …

**Toby:** You were reading the thesaurus?

**Sam:** Yeah. Anyway, I found all these words we can use instead of "thing".

**Toby:** Sam …

**Sam:** Listen to this: (opens thesaurus) article, commodity, device, item, object, product, act, deed, doing, event, feat, happening, incident, occurrence, phenomenon, affair, business, concern, matter, aspect, detail, feature, doohickey, particular, point, belongings, bits and pieces, chattels, clothes, effects, equipment, gear, good, doodad, paraphernalia, possessions, property, stuff, thingamabob, circumstances, conditions, matters, the situation.

(Toby stares at him.)

**Toby:** Doodad?

**Sam:** Yeah.

**Toby:** Doohickey?

**Sam:** Err …

**Toby: **Thingamabob?

**Sam:** Hey! That's a good word!

(Scene: Donna, Ginger, Bonnie, Margaret, Kathy and Carol are sitting in a small and deserted room talking.)

**Margaret:** Okay, I know what you're all thinking. You all think that I'm going to suddenly come out and say something about raisin muffins, but I'm not!

**Kathy:** You just did.

**Margaret:** Shut up.

**Ginger:** Okay …

**Carol:** Hey, you guys just killed Zoey before. How does it feel?

**Kathy:** Yeah! Come on, share!

**Bonnie:** Why? Why aren't you asking Donna about how she killed Mandy?

**Margaret:** Because we all know how she killed Mandy. No one saw you kill Zoey. How'd you do it?

**Donna:** Don't be shy, the President isn't' angry with you. You're not going to jail.

**Ginger:** We killed his daughter, Donna …

**Carol:** Yeah, but he doesn't care.

**Margaret:** I don't think he even noticed.

**Bonnie:** Umm … okay then.

(Carol, Kathy, Margaret and Donna move forwards in anticipation.)

**Ginger:** Well … she was in the Oval Office with President Bartlet and we saw her … and we asked her if she was doing anything and she said no, because the President hadn't noticed she was there. He didn't know we were there either. Anyway, we told her Leo wanted to see her, so she walked into his office and then …

(There is a really loud banging and buzzing noise from outside. The assistants still continue talking over this noise. Eventually the buzzing stops.)

**Ginger:** … and then we ran out.

**Donna (in awe)****: **Wow!

**Kathy:** That is purely the most amazing thing I've ever heard!

**Carol:** You guys … wow! You just rule!

**Margaret:** That is the best story I've ever heard!

**Bonnie:** Yeah, and we won't be telling it again either.

**Margaret:** Why not?

**Bonnie:** Dunno … just sounds better and more dramatic that way.

(Scene: CJ sitting in her office, Sam and Josh walk in.)

**Sam:** Hi CJ.

(CJ looks up and glares and then goes back to work.)

**Josh:** So, what are you doing?

**CJ:** I'm looking up family histories of the members of congress.

**Sam:** Why?

**CJ:** Because … I … was … happy …

**Josh:** Because you were happy?

**CJ:** Yes.

**Sam:** Okay.

**CJ:** Leave now.

(Josh and Sam pout.)

**Josh:** But we were going to play hide and seek and …

**CJ:** Get out!

(Grudgingly the pair leave, follow them down the corridor as they walk and talk.)

**Sam:** We really need something to do.

**Josh:** How did we get this bored?

**Sam:** I don't know …

**Josh:** Got any birthday messages that need nailing?

**Sam:** Umm … no …

**Josh:** Okay then … any investigations?

**Sam:** Hey! I've got the best idea!

(Toby walks past at this point.)

**Toby:** No bonfires!

**Sam (pouting)****:** I was actually going to suggest painting!

(Toby freezes and turns around.)

**Toby (eyes him suspiciously)****:** Painting what?

**Sam:** The White House!!

**Josh:** Yes!!

**Toby:** Oh no!! No, you're not doing that!

**Sam:** Yes!!

**Josh:** Yes!!

(They both race out, Toby stands there in shock, before running after them. He stops suddenly when he finds Donna standing in front of him, glaring.)

**Toby:** Ahh!

**Donna:** You are not stopping them, Toby! This is the last possible thing they could do that won't hurt anyone. Look at Ainsley! She's been tormented by Josh's … boredom!

(Donna opens a door and Toby looks in to see Ainsley sitting there, shaking and rubbing her arms.)

**Toby:** Josh did that to her?

**Donna:** Have you ever experienced being chased around the White House for an hour by Josh, with a knife in his hand?

**Toby:** Okay … moving right along now.

(Donna shuts the door. The two begin walking the corridors in silence. They continue walking. And continue. And continue. Until Toby stops.)

**Toby:** Does this building have an exit?

**Donna:** Err …

**Toby:** You know! How do people get out of here?

**Donna:** Well … I've never actually seen a door on the inside, just … outside …

**Toby:** So how to we get out?

**Donna:** Windows?

**Toby:** Excuse me?

**Donna:** We could use a window.

**Toby:** I am not jumping out a window!

**Donna:** Okay. Whatever.

(She climbs out the nearest window and drops. Toby runs towards it in horror, only to see Donna walking calmly along the ground. He turns back to continue walking to anywhere he can exit when he sees Gina and Ron.)

**Toby:** Gina! Ron!

(The two stop and stare.)

**Ron:** Yes?

**Toby:** Aeroplane jelly?

(Ron and Gina's eyes narrow, and they leave abruptly. Toby stares out the window again. By this time, President Bartlet, Leo, CJ, Donna, Ginger, Bonnie, Carol, Margaret, Kathy, Mrs Landingham, Charlie and more random people such as Ed and Larry are standing outside, watching Josh and Sam as they paint the White House blue. He shrugs and jumps out.)

**Donna:** You missed a bit.

**Josh:** Please stop saying that.

**Donna:** But you did.

**Josh:** Donna, you don't want to get on my …

**Donna:** You're really not going to paint the entire White House blue, are you? I mean … it's so big.

**Josh:** Sam's helping me.

**CJ:** Yeah, so that definitely means the job's going to be done promptly and correctly.

**Sam:** Don't you ever feel the least bit remorseful about insulting me?

**CJ:** No. It was fun, actually.

(Margaret walks up behind President Bartlet.)

**Margaret:** Sir?

**President Bartlet:** Yes? What can I do for you Margaret?

**Margaret:** You know how Ginger and Bonnie killed Zoey before?

**President Bartlet:** Hmm … (thinks for a while) yes.

**Margaret:** Well … did you notice that they were in the Oval Office with you?

**Bartlet:** They were in the Oval Office with me?

**Margaret:** Yes, sir.

**Bartlet:** Really?

**Margaret:** Yes.

**Bartlet:** Wow.

**Margaret:** So you didn't know, sir?

**Bartlet:** Hmm? Sorry, what?

**Margaret:** Never mind.

(They look back and suddenly a whole entire side of the White House is now a pale blue.)

**CJ:** How is that possible.

**Toby:** CJ, it's time to stop questioning the logicness of everything right now.

**CJ:** Why?

**Toby:** Because "logicness" isn't a word.

**CJ:** I see.

**Toby:** You really don't, do you?

**CJ:** No, but I like to pretend I do.

**Toby:** Okay.

**CJ:** Makes me seem smart.

**Toby:** Okay.

(They look back. Now Josh and Sam aren't anywhere in eyesight.)

**Leo:** Okay, where are Josh and Sam?

**Donna:** On the roof.

**Leo:** Ah …

(Josh's head suddenly appears.)

**Josh:** We've done the roof!

**Leo:** That's great!

**Josh:** How do we get down now?

**Toby:** Jump!

(Everyone but the assistants stare at him in shock for a moment.)

**Josh:** Okay.

(Without questioning, Josh and Sam jump off the roof and land perfectly on the ground, unharmed.)

**CJ:** Okay, this –

**Toby:** Shut up.

(Andy suddenly appears, pushing a pram with Huck and Molly. Toby turns around.)

**Toby (panicking)****:** Andy, where are their hats?

**Andy:** At home.

**Toby:** NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Andy:** What the hell?

**Ginger:** Babies come with hats.

**Toby:** They need their hats!

**Andy:** Right …

**Toby:** Can you go get them?

**Andy:** Sure …

(Andy slowly moves away from Toby and stands next to Donna and Mrs Landingham.)

**Andy:** What's going on?

**Mrs Landingham:** Josh and Sam are painting the White House blue.

**Andy:** Why?

**Donna:** Cause they're bored.

**Andy:** And you're going to let them paint the White House blue just because they're bored?

**Donna:** Hey, it's better than Republican hunting.

**Josh (yelling)****:** WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY!!!!

**Donna:** Nothing!

(A few minutes later Josh and Sam run back to the small crowd of people to admire their work.)

**Josh:** There we go. The White House is now the Blue House.****

(Everyone stares at him.)

**Josh:** What? Well it is!

(Suddenly the East Wing blows up.)

**Bartlet:** Oh my god!! OH MY GOD!! MY WIFE!! THE FIRST LADY!!!! ABBEY!!!!!!!!

(Everyone else watches him running around in his horror, while they stand there calmly. Eventually he stops and stares at them in shock.)

**Bartlet:** Why aren't you peopling (my computer insists that this is what word should be put here) rushing around like maniacs?

**Sam:** You're doing enough rushing around like a maniac, sir.

**Bartlet:** I'm going to let that go because you're the idiot that you are and you probably had no control over what you just said. To the rest of you – MY WIFE JUST DIED!!

**Leo:** Yes sir.

**Bartlet:** What the hell do you mean 'yes sir', Leo? WHAT THE HELL!!!!

**Josh:** So what do you think about the colour –

**Bartlet:** What? WHAT!!! JOSH WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!! MY WIFE JUST DIED!! WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE!!!

**Ginger:** Sir … with all due respect … have you seen her hair lately?

**Bartlet:** WHAT??? WHO GETS TO FIRE YOU PEOPLE?????

**Leo:** I do.

**Bartlet:** THEN FIRE THEM ALL!! INCLUDING YOURSELF!!!

**Leo:** I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.

**Bartlet:** WHY THE HELL NOT??

**Leo:** Because I'm not in the habit of firing myself, first of all, and secondly, I like these people, and so does everyone else.

**Unknown voice:** People like me!

(Everyone looks around.)

**Bartlet:** What …

(He is interrupted by the sudden gasp of Sam and Josh and … well, he's interrupted by a sudden group gasping and pointing. He looks around and sees two figures climibing out of a sack and walking like zombies, most probably because they are zombies. The zombies of …… AMY AND MANDY!!!)

**Josh:** Oh my god!!! They're alive!!

**Sam:** Donna!! DONNA!! SAVE US!!

**Toby:** How come they're not dead? And why isn't Zoey a zombie?

**Donna:** Well, you're really asking two questions there, Toby …

**Toby:** DONNA!!

**Margaret:** Well, I can tell you right now that I doubt Zoey would rise from the dead after the way Bonnie and Ginger killed her. Look.

(They look at a pile of dirt a few inches above the ground, flowers surrounding it and a beam of light over it.)

**CJ:** So what do we do now? We can't just let those maniacs run the streets!!

**Toby:** Over to you, Donna.

**Donna:** I can't kill them twice!!

**Sam:** You killed them once!

**Donna:** I can't –

**Kathy:** Hey! Look!

(Out of nowhere, six figures jump out and start throwing grenades and shooting rifles and shotguns at the two zombies, who slow down dramatically. Then a zap of lighting hits the zombie Mandy, and another hits the zombie Amy and they suddenly blow up.)

**Donna:** Well … there we go. Didn't need me at all.

**Josh:** No, you suddenly proved utterly useless.

**Donna:** Hey! I killed them the first time!

**Josh:** Yeah, and it turns out that you should have left it to God.

**Donna:** Shut up.

**CJ (shouting)****:** Hey! Hey! Who are you?

(The six figures walk up to them.)

**Man:** My name is Will Bailey. This is Elsie, and this is Lauren, Lauren, Cassie and Lauren.

(Everyone stares at him in shock.)

**Sam:** Lauren, Lauren, Cassie and Lauren? Three of them are named 'Lauren'?

**Toby:** Hey! I know you! You take over Sam's job when he goes for Congress!

**Will:** Yeah.

**Toby:** Come to think of it … Sam why aren't you running for Congress?

**Sam:** Comic relief.

**CJ:** We have Josh.

**Sam:** I'm better.

**CJ:** Not by much.

**Josh:** I'm sorry, are we having an argument about my stupidity?

**Donna:** We don't need to argue about your stupidity, Josh, we know it. It's a fact.

**Josh:** Thank you.

**Donna:** You're welcome.

**Bartlet:** Well … Donna killed Amy and Mandy, Ginger and Bonnie killed Zoey, someone with a bomb killed my wife and no one cares, Josh and Sam went insane and painted the White House blue …

**Leo:** Sir?

**Bartlet:** Yes?

**Leo:** Move on.

**THE END**

~-Mist-~


End file.
